So, yes, it makes use of the same strong plot and storyline capability of the original Duke Nukem 3D, the stupidity of which is almost refreshing in this day and age. From there, it's a mission to kick their asses a second time, find out what the hell is going on, and save the goddamned USA. Shit hits the fan when the Aliens unexpectedly launch an assault on Las Vegas, interrupting Duke's interview on the Damn it's Late Show and assaulting the Casino duke owns. After Duke kicked the aliens' asses, they agreed to an uneasy cease-fire, and have engaged in peace-talks with the US. Having saved the world, Duke's now kicking back with his two favorite girls, the Molsen Twins (Obviously being porn-based incarnations of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson). And marks the last time for a goddamned long while that the game isn't filled with padding. A pair of busty twins pop up from just below the camera, revealing that Duke had been recieving Fellatio all game long and asking him how the game is Duke responds with saying "It better be good, it's been twelve fucking years!" Which is mildly amusing. Once you down him and finish him off, Duke kicks a field-goal with his eye, and the scene zooms out, revealing the first halfway-clever moment in the game: that it was a video game Duke was playing on his XBox 360 (or PS3). It's pretty basic, you just grab the Devastator and shoot, which, by and large, was the case in the original. The game opens in Duke fashion, with Duke in the bathroom taking a leak, before linking up with the EDF, who is prepared to engage Operation Cockblock, and basically cover Duke as he runs in to engage the Emperor. Would it be a delightfully insane romp that remained enjoyable in spite of its quirks, however, like DN3D before it? Or would this be another mediocre FPS in a sea already full-to-bursting with middling FPSes?ĭuke Nukem Forever opens up with a re-make of Duke's final battle with the Cycloid Emperor from Duke Nukem 3D, with a bit of lead-up regarding that battle and the EDF (Earth Defense Force)'s plan for storming the Emperor with a massive assault. There was no question that it would, on some level or another, disappoint me (and every other player who touched it) wholeheartedly the only question was the matter of degree that it disappointed. This game had more hype to live up to than any game before it. Would Duke be able to hold his own, nearly 14 years since DN3D, in the modern era? Would his cheesey one-liners and the addicting gameplay that DN3D brought to the table really be capable of holding its own against the heavies of the current age, with Gears of War 3, Battlefield 3, and the re-release of Halo on the horizon? These were questions I asked myself as I picked the game up, and as I looked at it, a realization hit me: News that it would finally be released was huge - people were psyched. The development of this legendary title has gone through three presidencies, four developers, millions of dollars, and nearly a decade and a half of production. So I will try to keep this review to-the-point and using as few screamed expletives as possible, but I make no promises.
Not because I don't have anything to say about it quite the contrary, it's that I need to say TOO MUCH, and the sheer volume of what I need to say about this game could fill the Library of Congress. This is it. I've been dreading this one for days.
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